 |
| Baby High "A" |
I had three main goals for my life, goals I remember making as a child and teen. They were as follows and I assumed would occur in this order:
 |
| Baby High "D" |
2. Get married. Check.
3. Have a baby. Not so easy.
These past 10 months have been life changing in ways I never could have imagined. I didn't plan to get pregnant before I was married but I knew Andy was a great guy so when we found out I wasn't worried. I knew he would be good dad and so we plunged into the unknown. My worries and fears quickly turned to joy and excitement. Seeing "Baby A" and hearing it's heartbeat was the single best moment of my life. Unfortunately "Baby A" did not grow properly and on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 "Baby A" passed away. My OB/GYN was quick to tell us the statistics - as many as 10-25% of early pregnancies end in miscarriage. She told us it was unlikely for this to happen again. I won't say this loss was easy - it definitely wasn't but we had high hopes that after getting married we would have a healthy baby in our arms.
It only took 58 days before we got our second positive pregnant test! Sadly, this pregnancy would end as quickly as it began. "Baby B" survived a mere 4 weeks; a "chemical pregnancy" was the official diagnosis. We would have to survive one more "chemical pregnancy," "Baby C," before extensive testing would be done.
My doctors watched my hormone levels closely, ran endless blood work and chromosome testing only to find that I am a normal female. We were referred to a fertility doctor who would recommend even more testing for both Andy and I. For weeks I listened to only two songs on repeat and cried every day. Why was this happening? I spent endless hours on the internet, joined many different support groups and talked to anybody I could find who could offer insight into this new world of pregnancy loss.
I will never forget Monday, November 21. During a brief conversation with a "baby loss momma" friend I remember saying "I am finally OK with not being pregnant. I haven't cried today and am beginning to accept that we need to wait before we try again." The next day, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant.
Everything was different with "Baby D." My hormone levels increased extremely fast and our ultrasounds revealed all the right things. We shared our special news on Christmas and prayed that "Baby D" would be healthy and strong. On January 3, 2012 (my birthday) we found that his heartbeat had stopped. I was devastated. Words cannot express my feelings. Three days later I had a surgery to remove "Baby D" in the safest way possible. Testing revealed that he had 2 genetic disorders: Trisomy 8 and 18. With 48 chromosomes he was unable to grow in a healthy way.
With 4 losses in less than a year my heart and body is broken. In February our fertility doctor will complete the last two necessary tests and we will meet with a genetic counselor to further discuss the genetic disorders found in "Baby D." I know this isn't the end to our pregnancy journey!
I allowed January to be my "pity party" month. I gave myself 31 days to grieve - cry, scream, be sad, angry, jealous, get everything out with the understanding that February 1st would be the start of MY "New Year." With this "New Year" comes new hopes, dreams and a journey I am looking forward to tackling with every ounce of life I have. Happy New Year!!! :)
