Every 28 Days

Positive Ovulation Test! 2-14-2012

Every 28 days I have an opportunity to get pregnant.

My body is perfectly regulated.  My period is always 4 days.  I always ovulate on day 14.  I always get a positive pregnancy test on day 21.

Before I ever got pregnant my period was just something annoying, something that interrupted my routine.  Now my period is something very different.

It is a lost opportunity. A wasted egg that can never be used.  It is 4 days of forced reminders that I'm not pregnant, I don't have any children and my womb will remain empty.

Disappointment, as an adult, isn't easy.  I still have to go to work, make responsible choices and carry on with my commitments.  But, behind closed doors, I can respond to my disappointment like I did as a child: lay on the floor, cry, stomp my feet and cry some more.

You always have two choices: let something take over your life or find a way to make the best of the situation.  So, for today, I will cry.  But tomorrow I am going to take one step closer to having a baby.

I have avoided pursuing the final fertility tests because for me they are a surrender.  They make me feel like a failure as a woman  because having babies is what I was MADE to do!!!!  Just calling the "Fertility Clinic" is painful for me BUT I am going to schedule the tests ........

Music Exalts Each Joy

Music has a special ability to calm the mind, spirit and heart simultaneously.  Different artists, lyrics and melodies can elicit emotions and memories with surprising ease.

John Armstrong said "Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain, subdues the rage of poison, and the plague."

Every once in awhile my Ipod will go to a song that I haven't heard recently.  It almost always sparks a smile or laugh at a memory I have either consciously or subconsciously linked to it. 

Music, though, can have a greater impact than just a smile or a memory.  Some lyrics are so powerful they have the ability to guide your grief.  There are two songs I like to listen to when I am sad, discouraged, emotionally drained or in need of something to connect to - Strong Enough (Matthew West) and Life Me Up (The Afters).

At the support group I attend we often discuss our disappointment when leaving ultrasounds, doctors offices and hospitals empty handed.  During our recent meeting we brainstormed making a CD -  "Grieving with Hope" - not to be published or sold but a token we could make to share with others who are are need of something peaceful, calming, positive and uplifting.

I have volunteered to make these CDs.  Please share with me songs that have helped you to get through difficult times - songs that have touched your heart and eased your pain.

Give Thanks in All Circumstances

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Book &
 "Thank You" cards

In my quest to avert my attention from pregnancy to anything else I came across a book that caught my attention.

As a child my mom had strict rules about thank you cards.  You gave a verbal "thank you", followed by a hand written card before you played with the toy or used the money.  I'm always surprised, as an adult, how many parents did not instill this value (it's not hard, really)!

"A Simple Act of Gratitude" caught my attention for a variety of reasons - first and foremost, it was on the shelf next to a favorite of mine, "Sarah's Key."  It was also a seemingly easy read and brief text that I could pick up and put down without worrying about forgetting the story line.

After reading the first chapter I knew this book would be perfect - positive, uplifting, motivating.

The title sums up the 220 page text - saying "thank you" can change your life.  John Karlik, the author, reaped many benefits from his year long challenge - some tangible, others in his heart.  This book gave me a refresher from my childhood lesson with an adult twist - "thank you" is for more than just gifts but also actions, kind words, thoughtfulness, honesty, love and many other things.

I decided to challenge myself to thank people who have  made an impact in my life in the past few months - it is an easy list to generate as many people - friends, family, strangers - have been here for me!

Our pregnancy journey has led us to many different doctors: ob/gyn, high risk ob/gyn, fertility doctors, geneticists, loss specialists/counselors and many different nurses and doctors for blood work and surgeries.  Although I can thank many of these people for their commitment to us one person made a lasting impression for me.

I will call him "Dr. Nate" to maintain his privacy - he was my anesthesiologist for my surgery in January.  He not only held my hand, brought me heated blankets and drugged me early (at my request) but also stayed with me for the entire pre-op experience.  He shared with me his personal struggles with infertility and adoption and even checked on me in post-op.

I sent him a thank you card - it was nothing special, just a note to let him know his kindness, gentle bedside manner and attention to my sadness was not forgotten.  I could hardly speak, without crying, when he called me to chat about my card, surgery, pregnancy journey and life.  We spent almost 20 minutes on the phone and he promised to call back in 6 months to see how things were progressing.  I nominated "Dr. Nate" for an Aurora Star after this call and I pray that he wins it!

Karlik says "I received a blessing to heal the hopelessness in my own heart" - a reminder that we have control over our happiness.  We can't change certain things but we certainly can make choices that  help us heal and bring us joy.

Little Moments

4 pregnancy losses, 2 surgeries and 1 appendicitis all in less than a year!

Negative experiences have the ability to overshadow many special moments in life.  I never imagined the sadness or grief - things nobody can prepare for.  But I also never imagined I would fall in love with Andy, that we would get married or that we would grow so much in such a short time.

For some reason February has always been "our month."  Although neither of us were ready for a relationship we went on a date in February 2010.  A year later we were randomly reconnected.  It took less than a week before we were spending every day together.  February 15 is our "reunion" date - I suppose an anniversary of sorts for our unconventional relationship.

Andy made me smile.  He made me laugh and feel good about myself.  Although things moved extremely quickly it felt natural and I never doubted my feelings.  Dancing in my living room at 4am is the first time I can remember knowing that I really liked him.  It's those moments along with the many since that need to be remembered and cherished.

I've always believed in the little things - moments that have the power to change everything even if only for a short time.  Moments like when he holds my hand during a movie or kisses me while we're grocery shopping.  It's those moments that remind me that no matter what life throws at us we will prevail - not just survive or "get through it" but stay strong and embrace each moment we have together.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Rejoice in Suffering

I promised myself February 1st would be the start of a "new year" - a new beginning for my emotions and lifestyle.  My life, since last May, has challenged me and I have become a different person.  I will admit there are many days I do not like the person I have become.  I am not as resilient to changes, have many mood swings, find it harder to "be positive" and am truly struggling to balance all the insanity in my life.

My attempt at this "new beginning" has epically failed.  Wednesday was an extremely rough day for me at work and at my support group.  After a good cry and a glass of wine I slept like a baby and prayed that Thursday would be better.  Sometimes I wonder if my prayers will ever be answered....

which is why I chose the picture above - "You gotta faith it 'til you make it."  A close friend sent me this quote a few weeks back and I have kept it as my computer background since.  Each day I pray that things will start to come together for me (and my husband).  I pray that I will have the strength and patience to stay positive and to remember that my frustrations will eventually turn to joy.  Prayers are my way of "faithing it" until I eventually make it.

Post Surgery

Andy had an emergency surgery yesterday - in some ways I do feel like this was a blessing for us.  The constant changes in work schedules, balancing doctor appointments and my mood swings have made it hard for us to spend quality time together.  Spending the night at the hospital gave me an opportunity to focus only on him and we even made time to do our marriage challenge before bed.  He will be home now, for 2 weeks, which is more time than I have spent with him in our entire relationship.

I'm hoping that I can get my "shit together" before he wakes up tomorrow morning.  I've been having a lot of feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy and pain today.  My period started - the first after my surgery and it is incredibly painful.  I am taking my own pain killers to manage the cramping but need to keep things in perspective - that Andy is my priority right now.  As for the jealousy and anger it might be petty and immature but I can't help it.  Today was supposed to be my "make up birthday" with a special dinner party planned by my friends.  I am disappointed that I didn't get to see them.  I am sad that after my surgery I didn't have the same level of support or concern that he has received.  Perhaps it is my hormones talking but my goal is to find a new home for these feelings before tomorrow.

Although I am feeling physically/emotionally down I am also remembering the things I am grateful for, today specifically:
-I ovulated exactly 14 days after my surgery and my period is a sign that my body is returning, naturally, to a routine.
-Andy and I both have stable jobs and health insurance (thank God!)
-My wonderful sister and her boyfriend watched Izzy, cleaned my apartment AND made puppy chow today.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better gift from them.
-That I know people who have survived the grieving process (of pregnancy loss) and are strong, healthy, successful mothers.  They give me hope that my prayers, the frustration we both endure from my hormones and the empty feeling inside my womb all will help me to become a better person.
-That Saturday mass is less than 18 hours away

Romans 5:3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."