One Step Closer

Trisomy Awareness

The last 10 days has been a struggle.  A struggle to maintain calmness and accept the unknown.  A struggle with sleepless nights where my mind wandered and highlighted my fears.

And yet while struggling I have found inner peace on a few levels.  As I write this I am anxiously awaiting the final "Clomid Challenge" FSH blood results so perhaps my words will be sung too soon but I am confident.

These tests fit neatly into the 10 days before our much needed vacation.  Although my confidence has been tested I have gained answers that allow me to sleep more peacefully.   I have by no means perfected the "wait period" but it has certainly become easier.  My emotions have leveled out and I am beginning to feel more comfortable about this path - however crazy it may be!

Clomid which usually has horrible side effects was amazing!  I felt more "hormonally normal" than ever!  I was more patient, less agitated and less anxious.  My doctor assured me this is not a normal response but only time will tell.  :)  My HSG, although extremely painful, went great.  Now that ALL fertility testing is done we are ONE STEP CLOSER to Baby High!!!!

Waiting for the Mud to Settle

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?  Can you remain unmoving till the right action arrives all by itself?" 
-Tao Te Ching

No and no.

When the Clomid Challenge was first suggested to me I laughed it off.  My naive mind allowed me to believe that all of these tests were just a way for my fertility doctor to milk every possible insurance dollar.  With each test that is introduced I always look at the range of results and think "that won't be me!"  Perhaps that attitude has allowed me to continue my "lab rat" lifestyle but as the tests continue I have come to the realization that IT IS ME.

For the last 72 hours all of my blood work results have posted.  With each test my numbers are farther and farther away from "normal." My FSH is high (10.9).  My AMH is low (.07).  It is all numbers - numbers that become statistics.

I've read success stories of women with much worse situations but I wonder ... will that be me?  Will my doctors be creative in their plans for me?  Will we get the best care?  Will this journey result in a baby or will it only continue the heartache?  Each test brings more answers and yet also brings more unknowns.

I do possess the ability to be patient.  I could remain unmoving.  I believe that God has a plan.  I just wish that I knew what the plan was.

Make or Break

I have been avoiding and dreading the Clomid Challenge since November. For me, this test is a surrender - I am surrendering my body, my thoughts and my confidence. My doctor and fellow baby loss mommas have described this test as the "make or break" for pregnancy success – that certainly doesn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling! 

Yesterday I had my first round of blood work and ultrasound.  My ultrasound looked great – my uterus is shaped correctly and my ovaries are both a healthy size.  I had no cysts, follicles or anything that looked abnormal.  It was certainly a relief to hear something positive!

After I left my appointment I felt more confident – my doctor seemed positive and was much more patient than usual, answering all of my questions and taking time to show me all of the ultrasound pictures.  It was my best experience with her thus far! This confidence would be short lived.  The computer system updated my test results a little after midnight and my mind went into panic mode faster than my computer could even load the numbers.

My FSH is already high, high before the drugs.  We were hoping for a 7 but my FSH was 10.9.  I know the statistics.  I’ve read the articles, the research, the outcomes.  Sure there are success stories for every possible situation but they aren’t the norm.  I’m not “the norm.”

So now I have to WAIT – wait a whole week to retest and see how my body responds to the hormone drugs.  If it stays at 10.9 or goes down (please go down!) than we will have more options – the higher the number the fewer our choices and more challenging it is to find a doctor that is willing to work with you.

The outcome isn’t something I can change.  I can prepare for the disappointment, pray, cross my fingers and hope but after that it is in God’s hands.  One thing I CAN change is how I let this impact my everyday life.

Sharing my infertility is like letting someone put their hand inside my body and touch my heart.  It’s a big deal!  It makes me vulnerable to people’s personal opinions, commentary and criticism.  There isn’t a manual on how to deal with this – what to say or how to act – for me or for you. 

I’m going to have days and moments where I am upset, sad, angry, disappointed and negative.  I’m also going to have days and moments where I am hopeful, strong and positive.  I can't predict which will happen or when but know this:  I'm not depressed or bipolar.  I'm coping.  When I'm having the sad moments let me.  Let me cry and express my fears.  Be patient and let me know you care. 
I'm learning as I go, too.