Waiting for the Mud to Settle

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?  Can you remain unmoving till the right action arrives all by itself?" 
-Tao Te Ching

No and no.

When the Clomid Challenge was first suggested to me I laughed it off.  My naive mind allowed me to believe that all of these tests were just a way for my fertility doctor to milk every possible insurance dollar.  With each test that is introduced I always look at the range of results and think "that won't be me!"  Perhaps that attitude has allowed me to continue my "lab rat" lifestyle but as the tests continue I have come to the realization that IT IS ME.

For the last 72 hours all of my blood work results have posted.  With each test my numbers are farther and farther away from "normal." My FSH is high (10.9).  My AMH is low (.07).  It is all numbers - numbers that become statistics.

I've read success stories of women with much worse situations but I wonder ... will that be me?  Will my doctors be creative in their plans for me?  Will we get the best care?  Will this journey result in a baby or will it only continue the heartache?  Each test brings more answers and yet also brings more unknowns.

I do possess the ability to be patient.  I could remain unmoving.  I believe that God has a plan.  I just wish that I knew what the plan was.