Yesterday I had my first round of blood work and ultrasound. My ultrasound looked great – my uterus is shaped correctly and my ovaries are both a healthy size. I had no cysts, follicles or anything that looked abnormal. It was certainly a relief to hear something positive!
After I left my appointment I felt more confident – my doctor seemed positive and was much more patient than usual, answering all of my questions and taking time to show me all of the ultrasound pictures. It was my best experience with her thus far! This confidence would be short lived. The computer system updated my test results a little after midnight and my mind went into panic mode faster than my computer could even load the numbers.
My FSH is already high, high before the drugs. We were hoping for a 7 but my FSH was 10.9. I know the statistics. I’ve read the articles, the research, the outcomes. Sure there are success stories for every possible situation but they aren’t the norm. I’m not “the norm.”
So now I have to WAIT – wait a whole week to retest and see how my body responds to the hormone drugs. If it stays at 10.9 or goes down (please go down!) than we will have more options – the higher the number the fewer our choices and more challenging it is to find a doctor that is willing to work with you.
The outcome isn’t something I can change. I can prepare for the disappointment, pray, cross my fingers and hope but after that it is in God’s hands. One thing I CAN change is how I let this impact my everyday life.
Sharing my infertility is like letting someone put their hand inside my body and touch my heart. It’s a big deal! It makes me vulnerable to people’s personal opinions, commentary and criticism. There isn’t a manual on how to deal with this – what to say or how to act – for me or for you.
I’m going to have days and moments where I am upset, sad, angry, disappointed and negative. I’m also going to have days and moments where I am hopeful, strong and positive. I can't predict which will happen or when but know this: I'm not depressed or bipolar. I'm coping. When I'm having the sad moments let me. Let me cry and express my fears. Be patient and let me know you care.
I'm learning as I go, too.
I hope as a friend I can give you the support you need at this stressful time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not "defying the odds" or "praying for a miracle" or "crossing a tight rope on tiptoe." You have regular cycles, ovulate, produce eggs, have a healthy BMI, NORMAL UTERINE ANATOMY, functioning ovaries, a healthy spouse (reproductive wise), just need a little help hormone wise. THAT IS 7/8 of the way! Hormones can be helped, modified, augmented or suppressed. Plus, you have you age on your side and you have no chronic illnesses. You seem pretty stinkin' healthy to me!
ReplyDeleteWe have so much medical technology today it is unreal. Every time I go to the hospital (which is alot, as I'm an RN) for whatever reason, it just amazes me how far technology has come in even the last decade. Almost anything is possible with medical treatment today.
Remember my mom--about as fertile as a ROCK :P she had maybe 2/8 of your 7/8.
This is not a time of defeat, this is a time of discovery, determination, and acceptance that we are not all "the same" and that there is no "normal."
You are a perfectly healthy woman, and with each test, we come leaps and bounds closer to ANSWERS! Closer to baby High (God willing)
Thank you, Katarina!!! Talking with you has really helped me find comfort in these test results. Your positivity is contagious! <3 I'm grateful for our friendship and for your knowledge in this area!!!
DeleteHi Bridge,
ReplyDeleteSooo, I finally got around to reading your site and having a free moment to write something to you and for you :-). I had an aunt that has gone through some, if not all the same things that you are going through. My aunt and uncle tried pretty much everything available that was possible, she had 2 miscarriage and a still born. They had seriously given up hope and they were actually in the process of adopting a child and were getting ready to sign papers, when about a week later, just randomly my aunt wasn't feeling that great and she was late. She didn't think it could be possible because she wasn't doing anything at all to help the process, but she went to the doctor and sure enough she was pregnant. They were not really sure if something would still happen and go bad during the pregnancy like it had many times before, but they decided as long as my aunt was healthy since it happened, they would give it this one last try and pray that they could have a healthy baby. Sure, enough her pregnancy went well and I got a new baby cousin, Jack :-)!!! I always felt sooo blessed to be around him and babysit for him because he was a true blessing not only to parents that were beat-up and felt defeated, but because he was a healthy, wonderful child that was definitely a true blessing from above! Jack has grown-up to be an amazing young boy. He is now loves all the extreme sports like his dad and cousin and has his dad's amazing art talent. He also has his mom's compassion and ultimate care and creativity. I am not telling you all of this because I am saying "oh just wait, Bridge it will happen for you too, be patient". I am telling you so that you don't ever think it is impossible!!!
This is just my belief, whether it be true or not, but I do believe there IS a reason for everything, so no matter if it happens when and how you want it to or not, know there is a reason for it and use it to your best advantage to help you, your family, friends, and anyone else in your life that you can touch. Just putting up this blog and describing your situations is a huge step for you to open-up, but it is also a huge help to anyone else dealing with this as well because it is always good to hear that you are not the only one.
You and your family are always in my prayers that things will work out for you, no matter what that may be and most of all that you live a happy and healthy life :-)!!! I can't say I know what it feels like because I don't and I am not there yet in my life, but through all my travels and all of the people I have encountered in my life it has made me realize that every life is precious and we should all feel blessed that we are here and learn to help out each other in any and every way we can. Especially the young people of the world, many are born and don't even get to have a life before they are killed, die, murdered, or some other atrocity. I am trying my hardest to dedicate my life to helping to prevent all of this from happening to the young people in the world, but I know I can't save everyone, so I do what I am able to do and what I can. Basically that is all we can ask of ourselves for every situation, so as long as your heart and your soul are in the right place and no matter what you take each day as a journey to the greater and bigger picture, you will never feel defeated or warn down. Of course you are going to have moments of sadness, anger, and depression, but if you always put your faith to God, nothing can ever defeat you!!! God also put the people closest to you in your life for a reason - they are your crotch to lean on ALWAYS and they will ALWAYS be there, so use them no matter the situation because no journey is done alone in life, there are always fellow travelers and you all make sure that you get through the journey together!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry, for writing so much, but once I get started, I can't stop :-). I hope my stories and advice will help you or at least just give you some perspective or insight, so you will ALWAYS STAY STRONG, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Many blessings to you and your family :-)
With love,
Mindi