Rejoice in Suffering

I promised myself February 1st would be the start of a "new year" - a new beginning for my emotions and lifestyle.  My life, since last May, has challenged me and I have become a different person.  I will admit there are many days I do not like the person I have become.  I am not as resilient to changes, have many mood swings, find it harder to "be positive" and am truly struggling to balance all the insanity in my life.

My attempt at this "new beginning" has epically failed.  Wednesday was an extremely rough day for me at work and at my support group.  After a good cry and a glass of wine I slept like a baby and prayed that Thursday would be better.  Sometimes I wonder if my prayers will ever be answered....

which is why I chose the picture above - "You gotta faith it 'til you make it."  A close friend sent me this quote a few weeks back and I have kept it as my computer background since.  Each day I pray that things will start to come together for me (and my husband).  I pray that I will have the strength and patience to stay positive and to remember that my frustrations will eventually turn to joy.  Prayers are my way of "faithing it" until I eventually make it.

Post Surgery

Andy had an emergency surgery yesterday - in some ways I do feel like this was a blessing for us.  The constant changes in work schedules, balancing doctor appointments and my mood swings have made it hard for us to spend quality time together.  Spending the night at the hospital gave me an opportunity to focus only on him and we even made time to do our marriage challenge before bed.  He will be home now, for 2 weeks, which is more time than I have spent with him in our entire relationship.

I'm hoping that I can get my "shit together" before he wakes up tomorrow morning.  I've been having a lot of feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy and pain today.  My period started - the first after my surgery and it is incredibly painful.  I am taking my own pain killers to manage the cramping but need to keep things in perspective - that Andy is my priority right now.  As for the jealousy and anger it might be petty and immature but I can't help it.  Today was supposed to be my "make up birthday" with a special dinner party planned by my friends.  I am disappointed that I didn't get to see them.  I am sad that after my surgery I didn't have the same level of support or concern that he has received.  Perhaps it is my hormones talking but my goal is to find a new home for these feelings before tomorrow.

Although I am feeling physically/emotionally down I am also remembering the things I am grateful for, today specifically:
-I ovulated exactly 14 days after my surgery and my period is a sign that my body is returning, naturally, to a routine.
-Andy and I both have stable jobs and health insurance (thank God!)
-My wonderful sister and her boyfriend watched Izzy, cleaned my apartment AND made puppy chow today.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better gift from them.
-That I know people who have survived the grieving process (of pregnancy loss) and are strong, healthy, successful mothers.  They give me hope that my prayers, the frustration we both endure from my hormones and the empty feeling inside my womb all will help me to become a better person.
-That Saturday mass is less than 18 hours away

Romans 5:3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."