TRIPLETS!

When I found out I was pregnant my emotions were 50/50 - happy and excited but nervous and worried.  Even though this pregnancy is going differently there is always this lurking worry - will the outcome of this pregnancy be the same as the past?  Monday, April 16 was my first ultrasound.  For the first time I was calm - not worried at all.  As my doctor started the ultrasound I saw her jaw drop and then I heard the words "THERE ARE 3 HEARTBEATS!"

Those words, the moment - was surprising, magical, perfect.  At 6w2d hearing a heartbeat isn't a guarantee.  Going into the appointment I hoped to see the yolk sac and fetal pole - signs that my baby was growing correctly.  The heartbeats blew me away - the "normal range" for this time is 90-110.  My babies had heartbeats of 114, 116 and 120.

Leaving the appointment I couldn't wait to share my news.  After 4 losses, heart beak, tears and a year of TTC triplets wasn't something I could keep a secret until the second trimester!  

Week 6 was pretty uneventful - lots of nausea, food aversions and excitement mixed with shock.  Exactly one week later we went to our second ultrasound.  At 7w2d I felt confident - I had all of the pregnancy symptoms and had definitely started to notice a bump.  My doctor repeated the same words: "THERE ARE 3 HEARTBEATS."  At 7w2d the babies were noticeably larger and had much stronger heartbeats at 141, 147 and 153.  

I was SO thrilled that things are progressing correctly!  Sadly, during my excitement my doctor recommended we "reduce" the triplets to twins.  At first I was sincerely confused by this recommendation - what the hell does it mean to reduce?  Well, reduction is a nice word for abort.  Andy and I are definitely against this option - although there are risks associated with a triplet pregnancy I could not follow through with this option!  

Leaving the appointment I felt a great wave of confidence that things will go well for this pregnancy!  For the next 5 weeks we will have weekly ultrasounds to check the growth of each baby.  I am SO excited to see their growth, hear their heartbeats and prepare for the second trimester!  We will continue to see our fertility doctor until 12 weeks as well as a high risk ob/gyn.  I have also been referred to a nutritionist who will help me figure out how to eat enough for all 4 of us!  My most exciting adventure, however, is not the doctor appointments.  During week 8 I am going to buy a digital fetal doppler ... I CAN'T WAIT to listen to their little heartbeats at home! :) 

Hello Nausea

Each of my pregnancies has started the same: exhaustion, hormone dreams and sore boobs.  Usually these symptoms begin to fade by week 6.  This pregnancy started the same only earlier than in the past.

I actually knew I would be pregnant on St. Patrick's Day when I felt my eggs drop - an experience many women do not pay attention to and miss.  In March it wasn't the same small cramping - it was intense and on both sides.  The pregnancy symptoms began to show shortly after this phenomena.

The exhaustion, hormone dreams and sore breasts are STILL strong and this past week I was introduced to a new symptom: nausea.  The nausea has NOT been what pregnancy books say it will be.  It is not cured by saltines, eating before bed, drinking more water or anything else.  It is STRONG, overwhelming and all consuming.  Luckily I have had the past week off because I've spent almost all of it either in bed or on the couch.

Today I'm 5w6d - based on my pregnancy book that means my little bun already has a functioning liver, noticeable limbs, heart and is currently forming it's mouth, jaw and esophagus.  It's heart should start beating any time now.  When I read these things the nausea seems WORTH IT!

Each night before bed I document the symptoms of the day.  Each morning I make a mental check: hormone dream? check. sore chest? check. nauseous? check.  These symptoms remind me that my little bun is growing and hopefully with no complications!  My fingers are crossed for Monday which cannot come soon enough!!!

One Step Closer ... literally.

It has certainly been a long time since I've posted!  I've been doing some personal reflection and meditation on our future!  The "Clomid Challenge" was great - we FINALLY got the answers we have been waiting so long to hear.  Our doctor was extremely optimistic and gave us three choices.  She said it was our choice how aggressive we want to be: clomid, IUI or IVF.  Here is the breakdown of the options:

*Clomid: $50/month - take hormone drugs, have timed sex - pretty easy but 100% trial and error

*IUI: ~$6K/month - Andy gives me hormone injections, Andy gives a sperm sample, our doctor injects the sperm into 2 of the best eggs I produce - while this would have better success no testing is done on the eggs so it is kind of a trial and error approach

*IVF: ~20K/month - very invasive - Andy gives me hormone injections, Andy gives a sperm sample, I have a surgery to collect my eggs (so to speak), my eggs are tested and combined with Andy's sperm, only the 2 best eggs are implanted - less trial and error but extremely expensive!

Even though we got "good news" - that there are options it is still hard to make a choice.  What is the best choice for us?  How can we make a decision that is safe for my body and won't put us into debt that disables our future?  Where do you draw the line?  How much is "too much money" to have a baby?  LUCKILY WE DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE CHOICES FOR VERY LONG ...

1 Samuel 1:27: "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."

God has a mysterious way of showing you what path is best.  And on 8DPO (yes, only 8 days past ovulation) I got a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!  I have to admit with each pregnancy the excitement becomes harder to accept.  I am excited but with reservations - how many times can my heart be broken?

I have debated, the last 2 weeks, sharing this news.  Is it too soon?  What if something happens?

I've decided to maintain a positive attitude - pray, talk to my growing embryo, pray more and share my exciting news because truth be told I am grateful to have a support system that is here for the good news and the bad.

So far, only good!  No cramps, no spotting and SOARING hcg levels!

9dpo: hcg was 129 and progesterone was 80+
11 dpo: hcg was 474 and progesterone was still 80+
13 dpo: hcg was 1464 and progesterone was 100+
Our first ultrasound is Monday, April 16 and I am anxious for a positive ultrasound experience!  Since I made TWO eggs on clomid this ultrasound will reveal if there is one bun in the oven or two!  I am just hoping for a healthy pregnancy and will be grateful for any blessing but twins certainly sounds like an adventure!  <3

*Although I am excited to share on my personal blog I am waiting to share on Facebook until after our ultrasounds on April 16 and April 30 so thank you for your secrecy!

One Step Closer

Trisomy Awareness

The last 10 days has been a struggle.  A struggle to maintain calmness and accept the unknown.  A struggle with sleepless nights where my mind wandered and highlighted my fears.

And yet while struggling I have found inner peace on a few levels.  As I write this I am anxiously awaiting the final "Clomid Challenge" FSH blood results so perhaps my words will be sung too soon but I am confident.

These tests fit neatly into the 10 days before our much needed vacation.  Although my confidence has been tested I have gained answers that allow me to sleep more peacefully.   I have by no means perfected the "wait period" but it has certainly become easier.  My emotions have leveled out and I am beginning to feel more comfortable about this path - however crazy it may be!

Clomid which usually has horrible side effects was amazing!  I felt more "hormonally normal" than ever!  I was more patient, less agitated and less anxious.  My doctor assured me this is not a normal response but only time will tell.  :)  My HSG, although extremely painful, went great.  Now that ALL fertility testing is done we are ONE STEP CLOSER to Baby High!!!!

Waiting for the Mud to Settle

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?  Can you remain unmoving till the right action arrives all by itself?" 
-Tao Te Ching

No and no.

When the Clomid Challenge was first suggested to me I laughed it off.  My naive mind allowed me to believe that all of these tests were just a way for my fertility doctor to milk every possible insurance dollar.  With each test that is introduced I always look at the range of results and think "that won't be me!"  Perhaps that attitude has allowed me to continue my "lab rat" lifestyle but as the tests continue I have come to the realization that IT IS ME.

For the last 72 hours all of my blood work results have posted.  With each test my numbers are farther and farther away from "normal." My FSH is high (10.9).  My AMH is low (.07).  It is all numbers - numbers that become statistics.

I've read success stories of women with much worse situations but I wonder ... will that be me?  Will my doctors be creative in their plans for me?  Will we get the best care?  Will this journey result in a baby or will it only continue the heartache?  Each test brings more answers and yet also brings more unknowns.

I do possess the ability to be patient.  I could remain unmoving.  I believe that God has a plan.  I just wish that I knew what the plan was.

Make or Break

I have been avoiding and dreading the Clomid Challenge since November. For me, this test is a surrender - I am surrendering my body, my thoughts and my confidence. My doctor and fellow baby loss mommas have described this test as the "make or break" for pregnancy success – that certainly doesn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling! 

Yesterday I had my first round of blood work and ultrasound.  My ultrasound looked great – my uterus is shaped correctly and my ovaries are both a healthy size.  I had no cysts, follicles or anything that looked abnormal.  It was certainly a relief to hear something positive!

After I left my appointment I felt more confident – my doctor seemed positive and was much more patient than usual, answering all of my questions and taking time to show me all of the ultrasound pictures.  It was my best experience with her thus far! This confidence would be short lived.  The computer system updated my test results a little after midnight and my mind went into panic mode faster than my computer could even load the numbers.

My FSH is already high, high before the drugs.  We were hoping for a 7 but my FSH was 10.9.  I know the statistics.  I’ve read the articles, the research, the outcomes.  Sure there are success stories for every possible situation but they aren’t the norm.  I’m not “the norm.”

So now I have to WAIT – wait a whole week to retest and see how my body responds to the hormone drugs.  If it stays at 10.9 or goes down (please go down!) than we will have more options – the higher the number the fewer our choices and more challenging it is to find a doctor that is willing to work with you.

The outcome isn’t something I can change.  I can prepare for the disappointment, pray, cross my fingers and hope but after that it is in God’s hands.  One thing I CAN change is how I let this impact my everyday life.

Sharing my infertility is like letting someone put their hand inside my body and touch my heart.  It’s a big deal!  It makes me vulnerable to people’s personal opinions, commentary and criticism.  There isn’t a manual on how to deal with this – what to say or how to act – for me or for you. 

I’m going to have days and moments where I am upset, sad, angry, disappointed and negative.  I’m also going to have days and moments where I am hopeful, strong and positive.  I can't predict which will happen or when but know this:  I'm not depressed or bipolar.  I'm coping.  When I'm having the sad moments let me.  Let me cry and express my fears.  Be patient and let me know you care. 
I'm learning as I go, too. 

Every 28 Days

Positive Ovulation Test! 2-14-2012

Every 28 days I have an opportunity to get pregnant.

My body is perfectly regulated.  My period is always 4 days.  I always ovulate on day 14.  I always get a positive pregnancy test on day 21.

Before I ever got pregnant my period was just something annoying, something that interrupted my routine.  Now my period is something very different.

It is a lost opportunity. A wasted egg that can never be used.  It is 4 days of forced reminders that I'm not pregnant, I don't have any children and my womb will remain empty.

Disappointment, as an adult, isn't easy.  I still have to go to work, make responsible choices and carry on with my commitments.  But, behind closed doors, I can respond to my disappointment like I did as a child: lay on the floor, cry, stomp my feet and cry some more.

You always have two choices: let something take over your life or find a way to make the best of the situation.  So, for today, I will cry.  But tomorrow I am going to take one step closer to having a baby.

I have avoided pursuing the final fertility tests because for me they are a surrender.  They make me feel like a failure as a woman  because having babies is what I was MADE to do!!!!  Just calling the "Fertility Clinic" is painful for me BUT I am going to schedule the tests ........