TRIPLETS!

When I found out I was pregnant my emotions were 50/50 - happy and excited but nervous and worried.  Even though this pregnancy is going differently there is always this lurking worry - will the outcome of this pregnancy be the same as the past?  Monday, April 16 was my first ultrasound.  For the first time I was calm - not worried at all.  As my doctor started the ultrasound I saw her jaw drop and then I heard the words "THERE ARE 3 HEARTBEATS!"

Those words, the moment - was surprising, magical, perfect.  At 6w2d hearing a heartbeat isn't a guarantee.  Going into the appointment I hoped to see the yolk sac and fetal pole - signs that my baby was growing correctly.  The heartbeats blew me away - the "normal range" for this time is 90-110.  My babies had heartbeats of 114, 116 and 120.

Leaving the appointment I couldn't wait to share my news.  After 4 losses, heart beak, tears and a year of TTC triplets wasn't something I could keep a secret until the second trimester!  

Week 6 was pretty uneventful - lots of nausea, food aversions and excitement mixed with shock.  Exactly one week later we went to our second ultrasound.  At 7w2d I felt confident - I had all of the pregnancy symptoms and had definitely started to notice a bump.  My doctor repeated the same words: "THERE ARE 3 HEARTBEATS."  At 7w2d the babies were noticeably larger and had much stronger heartbeats at 141, 147 and 153.  

I was SO thrilled that things are progressing correctly!  Sadly, during my excitement my doctor recommended we "reduce" the triplets to twins.  At first I was sincerely confused by this recommendation - what the hell does it mean to reduce?  Well, reduction is a nice word for abort.  Andy and I are definitely against this option - although there are risks associated with a triplet pregnancy I could not follow through with this option!  

Leaving the appointment I felt a great wave of confidence that things will go well for this pregnancy!  For the next 5 weeks we will have weekly ultrasounds to check the growth of each baby.  I am SO excited to see their growth, hear their heartbeats and prepare for the second trimester!  We will continue to see our fertility doctor until 12 weeks as well as a high risk ob/gyn.  I have also been referred to a nutritionist who will help me figure out how to eat enough for all 4 of us!  My most exciting adventure, however, is not the doctor appointments.  During week 8 I am going to buy a digital fetal doppler ... I CAN'T WAIT to listen to their little heartbeats at home! :) 

Hello Nausea

Each of my pregnancies has started the same: exhaustion, hormone dreams and sore boobs.  Usually these symptoms begin to fade by week 6.  This pregnancy started the same only earlier than in the past.

I actually knew I would be pregnant on St. Patrick's Day when I felt my eggs drop - an experience many women do not pay attention to and miss.  In March it wasn't the same small cramping - it was intense and on both sides.  The pregnancy symptoms began to show shortly after this phenomena.

The exhaustion, hormone dreams and sore breasts are STILL strong and this past week I was introduced to a new symptom: nausea.  The nausea has NOT been what pregnancy books say it will be.  It is not cured by saltines, eating before bed, drinking more water or anything else.  It is STRONG, overwhelming and all consuming.  Luckily I have had the past week off because I've spent almost all of it either in bed or on the couch.

Today I'm 5w6d - based on my pregnancy book that means my little bun already has a functioning liver, noticeable limbs, heart and is currently forming it's mouth, jaw and esophagus.  It's heart should start beating any time now.  When I read these things the nausea seems WORTH IT!

Each night before bed I document the symptoms of the day.  Each morning I make a mental check: hormone dream? check. sore chest? check. nauseous? check.  These symptoms remind me that my little bun is growing and hopefully with no complications!  My fingers are crossed for Monday which cannot come soon enough!!!

One Step Closer ... literally.

It has certainly been a long time since I've posted!  I've been doing some personal reflection and meditation on our future!  The "Clomid Challenge" was great - we FINALLY got the answers we have been waiting so long to hear.  Our doctor was extremely optimistic and gave us three choices.  She said it was our choice how aggressive we want to be: clomid, IUI or IVF.  Here is the breakdown of the options:

*Clomid: $50/month - take hormone drugs, have timed sex - pretty easy but 100% trial and error

*IUI: ~$6K/month - Andy gives me hormone injections, Andy gives a sperm sample, our doctor injects the sperm into 2 of the best eggs I produce - while this would have better success no testing is done on the eggs so it is kind of a trial and error approach

*IVF: ~20K/month - very invasive - Andy gives me hormone injections, Andy gives a sperm sample, I have a surgery to collect my eggs (so to speak), my eggs are tested and combined with Andy's sperm, only the 2 best eggs are implanted - less trial and error but extremely expensive!

Even though we got "good news" - that there are options it is still hard to make a choice.  What is the best choice for us?  How can we make a decision that is safe for my body and won't put us into debt that disables our future?  Where do you draw the line?  How much is "too much money" to have a baby?  LUCKILY WE DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE CHOICES FOR VERY LONG ...

1 Samuel 1:27: "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."

God has a mysterious way of showing you what path is best.  And on 8DPO (yes, only 8 days past ovulation) I got a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!  I have to admit with each pregnancy the excitement becomes harder to accept.  I am excited but with reservations - how many times can my heart be broken?

I have debated, the last 2 weeks, sharing this news.  Is it too soon?  What if something happens?

I've decided to maintain a positive attitude - pray, talk to my growing embryo, pray more and share my exciting news because truth be told I am grateful to have a support system that is here for the good news and the bad.

So far, only good!  No cramps, no spotting and SOARING hcg levels!

9dpo: hcg was 129 and progesterone was 80+
11 dpo: hcg was 474 and progesterone was still 80+
13 dpo: hcg was 1464 and progesterone was 100+
Our first ultrasound is Monday, April 16 and I am anxious for a positive ultrasound experience!  Since I made TWO eggs on clomid this ultrasound will reveal if there is one bun in the oven or two!  I am just hoping for a healthy pregnancy and will be grateful for any blessing but twins certainly sounds like an adventure!  <3

*Although I am excited to share on my personal blog I am waiting to share on Facebook until after our ultrasounds on April 16 and April 30 so thank you for your secrecy!

One Step Closer

Trisomy Awareness

The last 10 days has been a struggle.  A struggle to maintain calmness and accept the unknown.  A struggle with sleepless nights where my mind wandered and highlighted my fears.

And yet while struggling I have found inner peace on a few levels.  As I write this I am anxiously awaiting the final "Clomid Challenge" FSH blood results so perhaps my words will be sung too soon but I am confident.

These tests fit neatly into the 10 days before our much needed vacation.  Although my confidence has been tested I have gained answers that allow me to sleep more peacefully.   I have by no means perfected the "wait period" but it has certainly become easier.  My emotions have leveled out and I am beginning to feel more comfortable about this path - however crazy it may be!

Clomid which usually has horrible side effects was amazing!  I felt more "hormonally normal" than ever!  I was more patient, less agitated and less anxious.  My doctor assured me this is not a normal response but only time will tell.  :)  My HSG, although extremely painful, went great.  Now that ALL fertility testing is done we are ONE STEP CLOSER to Baby High!!!!

Waiting for the Mud to Settle

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?  Can you remain unmoving till the right action arrives all by itself?" 
-Tao Te Ching

No and no.

When the Clomid Challenge was first suggested to me I laughed it off.  My naive mind allowed me to believe that all of these tests were just a way for my fertility doctor to milk every possible insurance dollar.  With each test that is introduced I always look at the range of results and think "that won't be me!"  Perhaps that attitude has allowed me to continue my "lab rat" lifestyle but as the tests continue I have come to the realization that IT IS ME.

For the last 72 hours all of my blood work results have posted.  With each test my numbers are farther and farther away from "normal." My FSH is high (10.9).  My AMH is low (.07).  It is all numbers - numbers that become statistics.

I've read success stories of women with much worse situations but I wonder ... will that be me?  Will my doctors be creative in their plans for me?  Will we get the best care?  Will this journey result in a baby or will it only continue the heartache?  Each test brings more answers and yet also brings more unknowns.

I do possess the ability to be patient.  I could remain unmoving.  I believe that God has a plan.  I just wish that I knew what the plan was.

Make or Break

I have been avoiding and dreading the Clomid Challenge since November. For me, this test is a surrender - I am surrendering my body, my thoughts and my confidence. My doctor and fellow baby loss mommas have described this test as the "make or break" for pregnancy success – that certainly doesn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling! 

Yesterday I had my first round of blood work and ultrasound.  My ultrasound looked great – my uterus is shaped correctly and my ovaries are both a healthy size.  I had no cysts, follicles or anything that looked abnormal.  It was certainly a relief to hear something positive!

After I left my appointment I felt more confident – my doctor seemed positive and was much more patient than usual, answering all of my questions and taking time to show me all of the ultrasound pictures.  It was my best experience with her thus far! This confidence would be short lived.  The computer system updated my test results a little after midnight and my mind went into panic mode faster than my computer could even load the numbers.

My FSH is already high, high before the drugs.  We were hoping for a 7 but my FSH was 10.9.  I know the statistics.  I’ve read the articles, the research, the outcomes.  Sure there are success stories for every possible situation but they aren’t the norm.  I’m not “the norm.”

So now I have to WAIT – wait a whole week to retest and see how my body responds to the hormone drugs.  If it stays at 10.9 or goes down (please go down!) than we will have more options – the higher the number the fewer our choices and more challenging it is to find a doctor that is willing to work with you.

The outcome isn’t something I can change.  I can prepare for the disappointment, pray, cross my fingers and hope but after that it is in God’s hands.  One thing I CAN change is how I let this impact my everyday life.

Sharing my infertility is like letting someone put their hand inside my body and touch my heart.  It’s a big deal!  It makes me vulnerable to people’s personal opinions, commentary and criticism.  There isn’t a manual on how to deal with this – what to say or how to act – for me or for you. 

I’m going to have days and moments where I am upset, sad, angry, disappointed and negative.  I’m also going to have days and moments where I am hopeful, strong and positive.  I can't predict which will happen or when but know this:  I'm not depressed or bipolar.  I'm coping.  When I'm having the sad moments let me.  Let me cry and express my fears.  Be patient and let me know you care. 
I'm learning as I go, too. 

Every 28 Days

Positive Ovulation Test! 2-14-2012

Every 28 days I have an opportunity to get pregnant.

My body is perfectly regulated.  My period is always 4 days.  I always ovulate on day 14.  I always get a positive pregnancy test on day 21.

Before I ever got pregnant my period was just something annoying, something that interrupted my routine.  Now my period is something very different.

It is a lost opportunity. A wasted egg that can never be used.  It is 4 days of forced reminders that I'm not pregnant, I don't have any children and my womb will remain empty.

Disappointment, as an adult, isn't easy.  I still have to go to work, make responsible choices and carry on with my commitments.  But, behind closed doors, I can respond to my disappointment like I did as a child: lay on the floor, cry, stomp my feet and cry some more.

You always have two choices: let something take over your life or find a way to make the best of the situation.  So, for today, I will cry.  But tomorrow I am going to take one step closer to having a baby.

I have avoided pursuing the final fertility tests because for me they are a surrender.  They make me feel like a failure as a woman  because having babies is what I was MADE to do!!!!  Just calling the "Fertility Clinic" is painful for me BUT I am going to schedule the tests ........

Music Exalts Each Joy

Music has a special ability to calm the mind, spirit and heart simultaneously.  Different artists, lyrics and melodies can elicit emotions and memories with surprising ease.

John Armstrong said "Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain, subdues the rage of poison, and the plague."

Every once in awhile my Ipod will go to a song that I haven't heard recently.  It almost always sparks a smile or laugh at a memory I have either consciously or subconsciously linked to it. 

Music, though, can have a greater impact than just a smile or a memory.  Some lyrics are so powerful they have the ability to guide your grief.  There are two songs I like to listen to when I am sad, discouraged, emotionally drained or in need of something to connect to - Strong Enough (Matthew West) and Life Me Up (The Afters).

At the support group I attend we often discuss our disappointment when leaving ultrasounds, doctors offices and hospitals empty handed.  During our recent meeting we brainstormed making a CD -  "Grieving with Hope" - not to be published or sold but a token we could make to share with others who are are need of something peaceful, calming, positive and uplifting.

I have volunteered to make these CDs.  Please share with me songs that have helped you to get through difficult times - songs that have touched your heart and eased your pain.

Give Thanks in All Circumstances

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Book &
 "Thank You" cards

In my quest to avert my attention from pregnancy to anything else I came across a book that caught my attention.

As a child my mom had strict rules about thank you cards.  You gave a verbal "thank you", followed by a hand written card before you played with the toy or used the money.  I'm always surprised, as an adult, how many parents did not instill this value (it's not hard, really)!

"A Simple Act of Gratitude" caught my attention for a variety of reasons - first and foremost, it was on the shelf next to a favorite of mine, "Sarah's Key."  It was also a seemingly easy read and brief text that I could pick up and put down without worrying about forgetting the story line.

After reading the first chapter I knew this book would be perfect - positive, uplifting, motivating.

The title sums up the 220 page text - saying "thank you" can change your life.  John Karlik, the author, reaped many benefits from his year long challenge - some tangible, others in his heart.  This book gave me a refresher from my childhood lesson with an adult twist - "thank you" is for more than just gifts but also actions, kind words, thoughtfulness, honesty, love and many other things.

I decided to challenge myself to thank people who have  made an impact in my life in the past few months - it is an easy list to generate as many people - friends, family, strangers - have been here for me!

Our pregnancy journey has led us to many different doctors: ob/gyn, high risk ob/gyn, fertility doctors, geneticists, loss specialists/counselors and many different nurses and doctors for blood work and surgeries.  Although I can thank many of these people for their commitment to us one person made a lasting impression for me.

I will call him "Dr. Nate" to maintain his privacy - he was my anesthesiologist for my surgery in January.  He not only held my hand, brought me heated blankets and drugged me early (at my request) but also stayed with me for the entire pre-op experience.  He shared with me his personal struggles with infertility and adoption and even checked on me in post-op.

I sent him a thank you card - it was nothing special, just a note to let him know his kindness, gentle bedside manner and attention to my sadness was not forgotten.  I could hardly speak, without crying, when he called me to chat about my card, surgery, pregnancy journey and life.  We spent almost 20 minutes on the phone and he promised to call back in 6 months to see how things were progressing.  I nominated "Dr. Nate" for an Aurora Star after this call and I pray that he wins it!

Karlik says "I received a blessing to heal the hopelessness in my own heart" - a reminder that we have control over our happiness.  We can't change certain things but we certainly can make choices that  help us heal and bring us joy.

Little Moments

4 pregnancy losses, 2 surgeries and 1 appendicitis all in less than a year!

Negative experiences have the ability to overshadow many special moments in life.  I never imagined the sadness or grief - things nobody can prepare for.  But I also never imagined I would fall in love with Andy, that we would get married or that we would grow so much in such a short time.

For some reason February has always been "our month."  Although neither of us were ready for a relationship we went on a date in February 2010.  A year later we were randomly reconnected.  It took less than a week before we were spending every day together.  February 15 is our "reunion" date - I suppose an anniversary of sorts for our unconventional relationship.

Andy made me smile.  He made me laugh and feel good about myself.  Although things moved extremely quickly it felt natural and I never doubted my feelings.  Dancing in my living room at 4am is the first time I can remember knowing that I really liked him.  It's those moments along with the many since that need to be remembered and cherished.

I've always believed in the little things - moments that have the power to change everything even if only for a short time.  Moments like when he holds my hand during a movie or kisses me while we're grocery shopping.  It's those moments that remind me that no matter what life throws at us we will prevail - not just survive or "get through it" but stay strong and embrace each moment we have together.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Rejoice in Suffering

I promised myself February 1st would be the start of a "new year" - a new beginning for my emotions and lifestyle.  My life, since last May, has challenged me and I have become a different person.  I will admit there are many days I do not like the person I have become.  I am not as resilient to changes, have many mood swings, find it harder to "be positive" and am truly struggling to balance all the insanity in my life.

My attempt at this "new beginning" has epically failed.  Wednesday was an extremely rough day for me at work and at my support group.  After a good cry and a glass of wine I slept like a baby and prayed that Thursday would be better.  Sometimes I wonder if my prayers will ever be answered....

which is why I chose the picture above - "You gotta faith it 'til you make it."  A close friend sent me this quote a few weeks back and I have kept it as my computer background since.  Each day I pray that things will start to come together for me (and my husband).  I pray that I will have the strength and patience to stay positive and to remember that my frustrations will eventually turn to joy.  Prayers are my way of "faithing it" until I eventually make it.

Post Surgery

Andy had an emergency surgery yesterday - in some ways I do feel like this was a blessing for us.  The constant changes in work schedules, balancing doctor appointments and my mood swings have made it hard for us to spend quality time together.  Spending the night at the hospital gave me an opportunity to focus only on him and we even made time to do our marriage challenge before bed.  He will be home now, for 2 weeks, which is more time than I have spent with him in our entire relationship.

I'm hoping that I can get my "shit together" before he wakes up tomorrow morning.  I've been having a lot of feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy and pain today.  My period started - the first after my surgery and it is incredibly painful.  I am taking my own pain killers to manage the cramping but need to keep things in perspective - that Andy is my priority right now.  As for the jealousy and anger it might be petty and immature but I can't help it.  Today was supposed to be my "make up birthday" with a special dinner party planned by my friends.  I am disappointed that I didn't get to see them.  I am sad that after my surgery I didn't have the same level of support or concern that he has received.  Perhaps it is my hormones talking but my goal is to find a new home for these feelings before tomorrow.

Although I am feeling physically/emotionally down I am also remembering the things I am grateful for, today specifically:
-I ovulated exactly 14 days after my surgery and my period is a sign that my body is returning, naturally, to a routine.
-Andy and I both have stable jobs and health insurance (thank God!)
-My wonderful sister and her boyfriend watched Izzy, cleaned my apartment AND made puppy chow today.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better gift from them.
-That I know people who have survived the grieving process (of pregnancy loss) and are strong, healthy, successful mothers.  They give me hope that my prayers, the frustration we both endure from my hormones and the empty feeling inside my womb all will help me to become a better person.
-That Saturday mass is less than 18 hours away

Romans 5:3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." 

...I do, I do!!!

Baby High "A" 

I had three main goals for my life, goals I remember making as a child and teen.  They were as follows and I assumed would occur in this order: 

Baby High "D"

1. Become a teacher. Check. 

2. Get married. Check. 

3. Have a baby. Not so easy.

These past 10 months have been life changing in ways I never could have imagined.  I didn't plan to get pregnant before I was married but I knew Andy was a great guy so when we found out I wasn't worried.  I knew he would be good dad and so we plunged into the unknown.  My worries and fears quickly turned to joy and excitement.  Seeing "Baby A" and hearing it's heartbeat was the single best moment of my life. Unfortunately "Baby A" did not grow properly and on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 "Baby A" passed away.  My OB/GYN was quick to tell us the statistics - as many as 10-25% of early pregnancies end in miscarriage.  She told us it was unlikely for this to happen again.  I won't say this loss was easy - it definitely wasn't but we had high hopes that after getting married we would have a healthy baby in our arms.

It only took 58 days before we got our second positive pregnant test!  Sadly, this pregnancy would end as quickly as it began.  "Baby B" survived a mere 4 weeks; a "chemical pregnancy" was the official diagnosis.  We would have to survive one more "chemical pregnancy," "Baby C," before extensive testing would be done.

My doctors watched my hormone levels closely, ran endless blood work and chromosome testing only to find that I am a normal female.  We were referred to a fertility doctor who would recommend even more testing for both Andy and I.  For weeks I listened to only two songs on repeat and cried every day.  Why was this happening?  I spent endless hours on the internet, joined many different support groups and talked to anybody I could find who could offer insight into this new world of pregnancy loss.  

I will never forget Monday, November 21.  During a brief conversation with a "baby loss momma" friend I remember saying "I am finally OK with not being pregnant.  I haven't cried today and am beginning to accept that we need to wait before we try again."  The next day, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant.  

Everything was different with "Baby D."  My hormone levels increased extremely fast and our ultrasounds revealed all the right things.  We shared our special news on Christmas and prayed that "Baby D" would be healthy and strong.  On January 3, 2012 (my birthday) we found that his heartbeat had stopped.  I was devastated.  Words cannot express my feelings.  Three days later I had a surgery to remove "Baby D" in the safest way possible.  Testing revealed that he had 2 genetic disorders: Trisomy 8 and 18.  With 48 chromosomes he was unable to grow in a healthy way.

With 4 losses in less than a year my heart and body is broken.  In February our fertility doctor will complete the last two necessary tests and we will meet with a genetic counselor to further discuss the genetic disorders found in "Baby D."  I know this isn't the end to our pregnancy journey!  

I allowed January to be my "pity party" month.  I gave myself 31 days to grieve - cry, scream, be sad, angry, jealous, get everything out with the understanding that February 1st would be the start of MY "New Year."  With this "New Year" comes new hopes, dreams and a journey I am looking forward to tackling with every ounce of life I have.  Happy New Year!!! :)